Recently turning 38 had me doing some reflecting…

I remember turning 30 like it was yesterday- and not because it was a good day. This isnt easy for me to write…and also i think something important to talk about.

I had a surprise party with all of my closest friends and athletes. I owned a CrossFit affiliate at the time, my gym was there, i was being celebrated- BIG. My parents rented a bounce house for the kids, my FAVORITE local band was there, all of my friends…..and I had a miserable time. I was SO worried about the guy i was dating.

He was…pretty terrible to me. He flirted with my friends who were there and paid no attention to me. He commented (negatively) about my body as i was getting dressed to go to the party. That night in particular, we got into a fight around 9pm because he was mad i didnt want to smoke week (he didnt either, mind you) and he LEFT. We lived together, and he got in his car at 9pm and left. I called him until 1 in the morning. I dont know where he went. I dont know when he came home. He didnt answer my calls. The next morning we didnt talk about it, we just moved on with our lives.

The emotions from that night still hang with me.

Being so preoccupied with wanting approval from one person.

Being so preoccupied with trying to please one person.

Trying everything in my power to make one person happy…one person i would NEVER be able to make happy if I am being honest.

Now, at 38-

I spent the day with my son. I was loved on by my amazing husband. I had friends reach out to share their appreciation for me.

And the biggest shift was ME. I did things that day that made ME happy. I felt good in my body and wasnt worried about any one else accepting or approving. I kept it simple with a hike and some ice pops to round out the night. I am a completely different human with a completely different life…and in only 8 years that has happened.

What would I tell 30 year old gm, even a previous version of you maybe…

Trust your gut instinct. its probably right (gm- ditch the loser you are dating, you deserve WAY better)

You will never be accepted by everyone, but who cares. Like really, why do you care?

Your life can change dramatically, especially if you continue to chase what feels true to you.

Think about where you want to be. Spend time daydreaming. MANIFEST THAT SHIT. and it will happen. probably better than you could have ever imagined.

Growing up i wanted to marry a tattooed surfer. Now, at 38, I am married to a tattooed skater. I have an amazing life. And to think only a few years ago (2015 to be exact) i felt like i was starting over.

Have the courage, trust yourself, follow you gut, have faith and know this:

Nothing is permanent. Keep moving forward. it WILL change.